Write.  I must write of life experiences lest the silence that is present in my speech traps me into fearful turmoil. 

Last Thursday, as my mom, Alyssa, and I were watching The Price is Right, my mom expressed the desire to go to a place like the Bahamas.  Alyssa, in her five year old sweetness and innocence said, “Grandma, you can have the money in my piggy bank so you can go on a trip.”  Her sweet unselfishness was in stark contrast of my own attitude.  As mom was preparing to leave for Arizona I kept trying to think of ways to keep her home; how selfish is that!?!  My lack of faith is alarming.  God is continually showing me that His hand is on my life; on “my” schedule.  It is so easy for me to be fearful about Mom being gone.  Last Friday, God led me to a special Xanga site that included the quote I posted on here last night.  “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow.  It empties today of its strength.”  How many days have I wasted away because I have worried about something I can’t control or change?  May God continually give me strength to do His will, not my own.  When I think about Mom being gone I keep worrying that I’ll get sick or that I’m not sure how I’ll spend my time.  The truth of the matter is that I am more likely to get sick if I’m continually worrying.  Also “my” time really isn’t my own, it is God’s.  He is the one who gives it; the one who wants it used wisely.  I bring no glory to God in my fear, only in my obedience to Him.  That obedience comes from my love for Him.  That love is to be with my very being; my heart, soul, mind, and strength.  As I focus on God and His Word my fears are distant and my faith is strong.  Perhaps that is why King David “meditated on God’s precepts and was acquainted with all of God’s ways.”  It would seem that I am constantly battling in the area of fear v. trust.  I think that is because Satan knows where my weaknesses are.  Yet, “when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor. 12:10) 

My mom left on Monday, which was a day earlier than originally planned.  They didn’t want to drive to Indianapolis in the snow and ice.  That would not have been fun.  Since then my thoughts and emotions have been in war.  The beginning of the day seems the worst…as if that is when I am the least rational and the weakest.  By the end of the day the faith is there to see me through.  I am so grateful that God is faithful and that He doesn’t stop loving me just because I continue to struggle.  He has definitely been faithful in that when I praise Him He gives me peace.  God is so awesome.  My mom and grandma did make it safely to Arizona and I hope that they have a splendid time, but if you think about me, please pray for strength to listen to God and not let the enemy have control over my thoughts.  Thanks.

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2 Responses to

  1. zakfox1986 says:

    Heeey Amanda! Hang in there, okay? I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. Its been forever since we have talked. What has been going on?

  2. Thinking of you and hope your time without her goes quickly!

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